Stephen Keogh

Elmo from Sesame Street is on TV in America informing the public about swine flu. 

Here are my three swine flu tips the Muppets should give...

1. Cover your nose and mouth when sneezing.

2. Wash your hands frequently.

3. Do not kiss Miss Piggy.

Perhaps Kermit should also give tips on how to avoid Frog Flu..!

With the Local and European elections coming up - I reckon our politicians should do more regular things if they want to get in touch with the public.

Get the bus to work, pick up the kids from school, and go to Super Mac’s for a greasy burger after a night out..!

They’re one step ahead in the US, as this week in Washington, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden hopped in the Presidential limo and went to a burger joint for lunch. 

Seriously, how normal are these guys - they lined up at the counter, ordered burgers, paid in cash, waited for their orders and left!

I’ve even heard that Michelle Obama likes to sneak out of the White House for a burger.

The US politicians have been like this for years… Apparently, even when Bill Clinton lived in the White House he liked to sneak out to Wendy's….

Not Wendy's burgers -- Wendy's apartment.

I see the guy who threw his shoes at George Bush is to write a book while he's in jail.

May I suggest a title…?

"Shoe Throwing FOR Dummies" -- or "Shoe Throwing AT Dummies".

I’m looking forward to the Hollywood big screen version of "MacGyver" which was announced recently.

Let me just say -- MacGyver is one of my all-time greatest heroes, in fact he’s just what we need right now!

If McGyver was Taoiseach he would have solved the recession -- using a paper clip, a banana peel, and a bottle of tomato Sauce.

Well here we are - in 2009 already; hope Christmas and the New Year were fantastic!

Not long now till President Obama takes over in the white House… They did a poll in the US which showed that 82% of Americans will not miss President Bush when he leaves office. Well, I’m wondering were the other 18% professional comedians!

Another poll which I loved this week was that 64% of women said it’s harder to find a good hairdresser than it is to find a good doctor. What do you think girls - Is this true? And how about finding a doctor with a good haircut - now that must be impossible!

Finally a brilliant story from Detroit in the US - A truck flipped and spilled hundreds of cartons of eggs all over the road.

Thousands of eggs were scrambled by vehicles on the freeway.  Seriously - scrabbled egg all over the road.

Apparently it took several hours to clean up the mess -- Well that’s according to spokesperson H. Dumpty.

Enjoy the weekend, from Stephen Keogh (The big 4-0)

Ok so I’m just a bit disappointed that Liverpool are only one point clear at the top of the Premier League following a third goalless draw this season at Anfield. However if you offered Rafa this position in early December, he'd have taken it - as would Wenger, Fergie or Big Phil. They outplayed Chelsea and Manchester United - are top of the league and qualified for the Champions League with a game to spare.

I think all Liverpool fans would have taken this position before the season started - yes it’s very disappointing to have drawn banks against Stoke, Fulham and West Ham, but with a bit of luck and an early goal, we’d have run out easy winners in the games.

I know we've got to learn how to break teams down at home and Rafa needs to realise Robbie Keane is better playing off a main striker rather than being the main striker, but Liverpool are top of the league!

There's no doubt things could be better and that we all have opinions on who should be in the team - I think Ryan Babel should be given a run with Fernando Torres injured, with Keane just behind him.

Robbie can’t lead the line himself where he doesn’t use his greatest strength, which is to link the play with his strike partner. If I’ve one criticism of Rafa, it’s that he should have left Keane on until the end - he gets a late goal, Liverpool win the game and with his confidence raised he goes on a run.

Being totally honest, I’d put Manchester United favourites for the title, followed be Chelsea. We can still do it, but need Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres back to the form they showed last season if we have any chance of ending the long painful wait.

Hey there

Christmas is coming and I’m going to be a busy little elf during December. As well as broadcasting the Mister Keogh Morning Show, I’ll be presenting shows on Christmas FM.

If you’re in Dublin tune into Christmas FM 89.9, all Christmas radio as we raise funds for the ISPCC.

You can also listen to the station online at www.christmasfm.ie

I’ll be presenting drive on Monday and Tuesday between 4-7pm.

I left work in an October blizzard this afternoon and my thoughts turned away from Halloween and towards Christmas.

A winter wonderland before we've even reached November – I suppose that's down to global warming, huh..!

As we shiver, there's record high temperatures at the North Pole. I can see problems if the heatwave continues until Christmas. Imagine how hard it must be for Santa’s elves to concentrate on making toys when Mrs Claus is sunbathing topless..!

Back to Halloween, and what to wear on Friday??? - I want something very scary, so I'm thinking either a witch, Frankenstein, or a financial adviser..!

I see Hillary Clinton has predicted Barack Obama will be a terrific president... After the interview -- they had to break her fingers to uncross them.

She also said there is absolutely, totally, completely, positively, definitely no chance she will run for president again. 

You realize that this means? It means she’s already planning her 2012 campaign........!

Meanwhile General Collin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama.

Translation: I want a cabinet post!

With just two weeks to go until the election, I was doing some Barack Obama spotting on ‘Fun on the Phones’.  

The new feature is going great - thanks for all the positive feedback.

As you’ve probably heard, it’s all change around here from Monday, as I move to the breakfast show..! I’m very excited about the new challenge and can’t wait to get started.

There’ll be load of new features on the Mister Keogh Morning Show, including plenty of phone calls, including a Wake Up and Birthday Call. I’ll have competitions galore, with the Head Scratcher and American Ail set to become regular items on the show.

There’s also a feature on the new show entitled 'My Class', where a teacher will introduce us to her class. In fact, I’ll visit a different classroom every week and record the kids in school. If you’d like to nominate your class, just tune in for all the details..!

Roll on Monday, and the All New, Mister Keogh Morning Show.

There goes another week of Stephen Keogh Radio Shows.  For me, the highlight of the week was when the boss lost his temper -- burst into the studio -- and ripped out my heart through my chest.

I’d like to thank the friendly cardiologist who just happened to be driving past the radio station and volunteered to put my heart back in.

I saw this story in the news today - A Japanese company has unveiled a wearable airbag for the elderly that pops out when they fall. The 1.1kg airbag looks like a traveller's waist pouch but inflates in one-tenth of a second when sensors detect the wearer has taken a tumble.

The Tokyo-based company, Prop, unveiled the device that protects the back of the head and the buttocks with two inflated bags that contain 15 litres of gas each.

                
Wow, that’s amazing!  I want one of those!  Almost every day I fall off the chair during my show...!

Coming Soon - The Mister Keogh Morning Show!!!

Another week over and I’m really looking forward to an exciting sporting weekend, with the All Ireland Football Final, Chelsea v Manchester United and the Ryder Cup at Valhalla.

Apart from the worlds economic woos, which deepened within the past week - here are some of the stories that caught my attention during the last seven days…

In Massachusetts, a fireman saved the life of a cat by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  He rescued the unconscious cat from a burning building and revived it by breathing into its mouth. The great news is that the cat made a full recovery - although, I believe the fireman has been coughing up hairballs…

I also hear that since Paul McCartney announced he plans to perform in Israel he’s been getting death threats from terrorist groups.  But hey -- it’s hard for a guy who was married to Heather Mills to be scared by a little thing like a terrorist group.

Finally this week’s most bizarre story came from France, as legal history was made when a dog appeared as a witness in a murder trial in Paris.

Can you just imagine the scene in the courtroom, with the barrister approaching the bench…?

“Raise your right paw and bark after me....”

I’m back from holidays - had a marvellous time - thank you!

With the schools back, the US Election hotting up and the nights closing in - next stop is Christmas, I suppose.

With this in mind, I’ve got a great prize on this weeks show.

Fancy winning some brownie points with the boss? Just tune in this week for a chance to win a Christmas party at the Athlone Springs Hotel.

It’s a table for ten people and features the Joe Dolan Tribute Show with Johnny Peters.

Meanwhile the US Presidential Election is in full swing right now… Some polls put John McCain ahead of Barack Obama, but I reckon it won’t last... I predict the situation will be reversed after Obama tells Joe Biden to wear lipstick and designer eyeglasses -- carry a baby -- and talk with a piercing voice.

I also see a company is selling a Sarah Palin action doll.  

I wonder how that works - If you pull the string on the back of the Sarah Palin doll - does it elbow jabs at the John McCain doll to wake it up.

Exciting times ahead - Go Obama..!

I see in the tabloids today that the Spice Girls don’t talk anymore and never get together!

Well, isn’t that a shame! Although, I really don’t care if they don’t get together and talk – as long as they don’t get together and SING.

Time to get away from the rain, recession and radio for a week… Yes, I know what you’re thinking – He’s not off again? What an easy life those DJs have! Well, it’s true; I’m off to recharge the batteries on a sandy beach in Spain.

David Baker’s filling in on the show, so be good while I’m away!

Congratulations to Aoife Kelly representing Tipperary on winning this years Rose of Tralee..! Speaking as a former Escort, I’d be a huge fan of the festival, which celebrates its 50th anniversary next year…

Well done, also to Kildare’s Denise Healy who represented our county extremely well, and certainly put Cut Bush on the map.

Highlight for me was watching one of the Roses solve a Rubik’s Cube in under two minutes – It could only happen in Tralee!!!

On a similar theme, I see the beauty pageant for nuns has been cancelled in Italy..! Such a pity, who knows in 50 years the “Miss Sister Contest” could have been as popular as our Rose of Tralee…

Of course the idea of a beauty contest for nuns is just so WRONG, but the way reality TV is heading, don’t be surprised if the Pope gets his own show titled “Pimp My Popemobile”.....???

Well that’s one week of the Olympics over and still we wait, in hope, for an Irish medal.

No such problem for the phenomenal Michael Phelps who reminds me of Kevin Costner in that stupid movie where he’s half man, half fish... How can one man win all those medals?

Reminds me of the joke about the Olympic athlete who was so proud of his gold medals that he had them bronzed!!!

Somebody in work was also talking about the Olympics and they mentioned the air rifle events.  

So I’m wondering is the air rifle event like the air guitar?  

Well, if it is, I’m winning gold for Ireland, because if I’m shooting an air rifle -- I’m gonna hit the bulls-eye every time!!!

Enjoy the weekend…

Hey there, hope you had a brilliant weekend.

Scary times for the residents of Los Angeles with a “moderate” earthquake reported within the past week. Lots of shaking, but thankfully no reports of serious injuries or damage.

Of course, it’s not officially a strong earthquake in Los Angeles unless it knocks the nose off Michael Jackson.

The quake was classified as “moderate” - but just to be sure -- engineers will inspect Cher for cracks.

Speaking of the plastic princess, I believe she denies she plans to marry her young boyfriend…  

Have you seen this guy? He’s just a kid.

Marry the guy!!! I reckon she should ADOPT him.

Oh boy, I’m delighted and excited that Robbie Keane has joined Liverpool!!!

He's got a winning attitude, is a true professional and fingers crossed can have a similar relationship with Fornando Torres as Kenny Dalglish did with Ian Rush.

Hopefully Rafa will play Keane and Torres in as many games as possible as we need less tinkering and genuine stability within the team.

Liverpool are stronger now than last season and Manchester United are not… This is the first summer in a few years that I can say that as a Liverpool fan! 

I’m not saying we will win the title, but we are in with a shout...

I've always said that we were not too far off last year. Robbie Keane will help us break down stubborn defenses and turn last years frustrating draws into wins.

We were only 11 points behind United last year, so I believe we will certainly run them close this term. It should be a fierce battle until May, with Chelsea and Arsenal also in the mix.

Roll on the new season, and welcome to Anfield, Robbie Keane…

Frustrating times this week if you were due to jet away on the summer holidays..! Problems with the radar systems at Dublin Airport led to major delays - which hopefully won’t be repeated.

Speaking of airports - Can anyone explain why Nelson Mandela was on a U.S. list of terrorists. He’s now been removed from the airport security list, and not a moment too soon..!

I’m wondering is this the same airport security who once asked Queen Elizabeth to remove her crown and walk through the metal detector again.

Thanks for partaking in K Drive this week… We’ve had loads of fun with the Clumsy Waiter, the Derby winner quiz and all the other giveaways on the show. If you’re off to the Curragh this weekend, enjoy yourself.

I’ve enjoyed the week despite all the talk of the two R Words -that’s Rain and Recession…

Away from the doom and gloom, there’s a report Michael Jackson plans to bring out his own line of clothing.

I can just see it now - with every pair of pants will come with an extra pocket where you can keep a spare nose.

Meantime Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stunned guests at a dinner party by dancing to the Abba song “Dancing Queen”... This is of course in total contrast to Prince Charles, who’s not allowed to dance.  

There was an incident where he twirled on the dance floor and injured five people with his ears.

Finally this week Boy George was denied a visa for his US concert tour... Immigration officials said he was denied for two reasons:

Firstly, Boy George is awaiting trial on criminal charges in London, and secondly, and I believe the real reason - - - they really want to hurt him…

See, it’s not all doom and gloom Messer’s Lee and McWilliams… 

Have a brilliant Derby weekend..!

Plan B - There is no Plan B… That’s what they (the Yes side) told us, and guess what, they were right! As Brian Cowen has said many times since last weeks result, ‘we are in uncharted water’. He’s correct, basically we are up the creek, without a paddle - it’s a total mess.

Of course the No side said there was a Plan B and are still saying we should re-negotiate the treaty. Utter rubbish, I’ve no problem with the other countries ratifying the treaty and then it coming back to the Irish people. It should not simply be a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, but a question of whether we want to join the rest of Europe, or opt out and stumble along on a so-called ‘second tier’ in Europe.     

In the meanwhile, there will be a vacuum with minds focused on Europe at a time when they should be concentrated on the economic crisis at home.

Also with this delay in ratifying the Treaty, caused by the blatant confusion and lies thrown out there by the No side during the campaign - It’s possible that the UK, with a change of government within two years, will opt for Europe’s ‘second tier’.

How ironic, that the No side, and one political party in particular, could forge us closer to a union with Britain..! Now, that would actually be funny…

Be careful what you wish for..!

Congratulations to Denise Healy, the 2007 Queen of the Waterways and the current Kildare Rose, who has made it through to the International Rose of Tralee Finals in August.

This years Queen of the Waterways Festival takes place on the 8th, 9th & 10th of August.

Once again I will MC the selection night which is sponsored by The Bridgewater Inn, Sallins.

              

This years selection night will take place on the Friday August 8th. So, if there are any other budding roses, we would love to hear from them... You can email Carmel for entry forms on carmel@sallins.org 

Well done again to Denise and best wishes to her in the Kingdom..!

Mixed bag this week, firstly the disappointing news that Prince has cancelled his much-anticipated performance at Croke Park.

I guess this week’s show could now be known as ‘The gig formally known as Prince at Croke Park’…

More than 55,000 fans have been left frustrated with the cancellation, but not as frustrated as those people who paid a fortune for their new iPhone last year.

What have Apple done - they’ve gone and released a new improved version - worse still, it will sell at a greatly reduced price!!!

Of course the ‘New Improved’ iPhone is very hi-tech… For example: It has a button you can push to make it laugh at anyone nearby who’s using an old iPhone...

Enjoy the weekend, and hey, if you’re bored - you can always download a couple of Prince tunes to your old grubby iPhone!!!

Friday at last!  I need a weekend! I’ve been busier than Hillary Clinton telling everybody she’s a big fan of Barack Obama…!

There’s a report Bill Clinton is cheating on Hillary with multiple girlfriends... Hillary doesn’t care.  She’s a little busy right now -- trying to persuade Barack Obama to be her Vice President.

 Meanwhile, the jacks on the International Space Station has been fixed, Bon Jovi are in town, Big Brother 9 has got underway and Bertie Ahern is back at the tribunal.

Also following on from my recent text topic on K Drive, I see airlines may now start weighing passengers and charge fares accordingly.

I’ve a better idea, Instead of basing fares on body weight; they should base fares on body odour…

I remember being on a plane, sitting next to a guy with killer B.O.  

I would have felt better about the situation if I’d known he was paying five times what I paid…

Have a brilliant weekend - see you Monday!!!

Seems to be all happening in outer space this week…

Had a little giggle when I heard that the toilet had broken on the International Space Station. You know the way when you're dying to go - the wait can be almost unbearable..! Well, the astronauts must be crossing their legs as they await the arrival of space shuttle Discovery which is bringing a new pump to mend the broken loo.

Great story - Millions of dollars spent getting it up there, and what happens - the jacks is knackered!!!

Apparently the station's urine collection unit has been malfunctioning for several days now... Wasn’t this an episode of “Star Trek”???

Captain Kirk announced the toilet was out of order - and told the crew to “boldly go where no man has gone before.”

Meanwhile the Phoenix Mars probe is sending back information to Earth... On TV yesterday a scientist said the probe is on a mission to -- quote -- “taste and sniff the Planet Mars”.  

So I’m wondering will future missions -- lick, bite or perhaps nibble Mars.

Hopefully the probe finds some sign of life up there - how exciting would that be!!!

Meanwhile back here - it's a bank holiday weekend… Enjoy!!!

In hindsight, I can’t believe I actually voted for Dustin to win our National Song Contest...!

It’s only after the event, that I realised it’s the equivalent to giving two fingers to the institution that has given us so many happy days over the past decades.

Oh how we fondly remember all those glory days, when we were happy to accept the status quo as it was - because it suited Ireland - the poor lads on the edge of Western Europe..!

"Sure Ireland’s never invaded anyone, never caused offence or taken themselves too seriously, give them the vote, isn’t it better than voting for one of those big powerful, 'we’re bigger than you' nations like France, Germany or the UK"

That was back in the Dana, Johnny Logan and Linda Martin era. Now the landscape has changed. The goalposts have been moved slightly in the direction of Eastern Europe.

So we don’t like it - not one little bit at all..! How can Europe do this to us - after all we’ve done, and the progression we’ve made as a country since those innocent 'All Kinds of Everything' days of 1970.

Ah, who cares, let’s just pick up the ball and go home. We don’t want to play their silly game anyway. Who needs them; we’ve had our fun, so let’s just say 'Thank You and Goodnight'.

Well actually it’s even worse than that... We’ve told then to stick the stupid ‘institution’ up the Danube. A big two fingers to Europe, all because we’ve lost some of the power we used to control.

We’ve not even an automatic right to go straight into the final anymore - what’s this semi final lark all about?

"And, what’s this business of only having a commissioner for ten out of fifteen years???"

I contemplated voting No for a long time until I realised that times have changed… Europe is a different place, and it’s logical that we can’t have the same level of control we used to enjoy.

The Irish nation made a mistake by sending a turkey to Belgrade… A gamble that didn’t pay off..!

I personally won’t be making the same mistake on June 12th and hope Ireland doesn’t tell Europe to stuff the Lisbon Treaty in the same way we told them to stuff the Eurovision Song Contest.

Hey there, hope you’re enjoying the glorious wall to wall sunshine we’ve been enjoying for the past week or so..! I’m here in the studio wishing I could present the show from our roof garden...

Check out the satellite photo taken this afternoon

Summer 2008 – Long may it last!!!

I didn’t want Frank Lampard to miss the penalty..!

What was I thinking, ‘you’re a traitor Keogh’, a lifelong Liverpool fan through and through, and I wanted Chelsea to knock out my beloved Reds in the semi final of the Champions League. OK slight overstatement, it wasn’t that I wanted Liverpool to lose, but perhaps realised that it’s just a game of soccer. It’s not life or death, despite what the great Bill Shankly said many years ago.

What must have been going through Frank Lampard’s mind as he placed the ball on the penalty spot, as he stepped up to kick the ball, as the ball flew into the bottom right hand corner of the net to send Chelsea ahead in what had turned out to be a pulsating football match… His team mates were ecstatic, the crowd jubilant and there was Frank Lampard looking up to the heavens on that wet London night, with tears in his eyes. He fell to the ground, kissed his black armband and as he rose, looked into the crowd to catch a glimpse of his father. And there he was; Frank Lampard senior, no emotion on his face, just stood there, motionless, among the elated Chelsea fans. A proud father, with I’ve no doubt, a proud mother looking down on proceedings also.

For that moment I was emotional too. I didn’t care which of these powerhouses of English football made it through to the final. I had to get a grip of myself…  ‘Kop on to yourself Keogh – focus, there’s a match to be won – you’re Liverpool through and through, and anyway hasn’t Dirk Kuyt lost his father during this seasons Champions League campaign, wouldn’t it be sweet if he scored the winner.’

I just couldn’t shake it - the night belonged to Frank Lampard. Not Dirk Kuyt - well not this night, at any rate. Not to John Arne Riise, who must have so wanted to redeem himself after last weeks blunder. Not even Didier Drogba who scored two magnificent goals and showed Rafa what a class footballer he truly is.

Perhaps Chelsea were destined to reach the final of the Champions League this year and maybe they’ll become champions of Europe. Liverpool fans know exactly what that feels like, we’ve done it five times already and I’ve know doubt with Rafa at the helm, the Reds will be Kings of Europe reasonably soon again.

In the meantime it’s Chelsea versus Manchester United in what should be a marvellous final in Moscow. Who knows if the Gods will look down on one of the teams? Perhaps once again on one of the players, or possibly even on Alex Ferguson or Avram Grant, who both in there own way deserve the honour of leading their respected team to the trophy.

If the final itself is to be written in the stars, or perhaps if you believe in destiny, United could go on to lift the trophy on the 50^th anniversary on the Busby Babes tragedy. What a fitting tribute that would be...

Whatever the outcome in Moscow, football is, after all, only a game... A game which gives us great pleasure, heartache, joy, despair, ecstasy, despondency; in fact every human emotion possible, including compassion – the compassion I felt for Frank Lampard when he stepped up to take that penalty for his Mum.

Congratulations to Chelsea on winning a thrilling football match – you finally deserve your place in a Champions League Final…

The Pope is visiting the United States this week, where he was given a huge birthday party at the White House.  

 Pope Benedict turned 81 on the trip and what a birthday bash they gave him on the lawns of the White House - There were singers, dancers, a brass band - the whole shebang - in fact the only thing missing was a nun jumping out of the birthday cake..!

On a more serious note Pope Benedict is visiting the United States for important talks with George Bush.

So will Bush make another one of his famous gaffs? Only time will tell…

I hear the US President will be fully briefed before the meeting...

They don’t want Mr Bush saying stuff like -- “Howdy Benny, why didn’t you bring Mrs Pope?”

It seems anywhere the Olympic torch goes, there’s trouble...

There’ve been chaotic scenes already in London and Paris, with hundreds of pro-Tibet protesters marching through San Francisco as I write.

I believe sport and politics should not mix and it seems to me a lot of protesters are simply joining the anti-chinese bandwagon.

Maybe I’m wrong -- maybe it’s a silly idea -- but maybe we could calm the situation and make everybody happy -- by making protesting an Olympic event. Just a thought..!

Away from the big Bertie story - a couple of bits and pieces caught my attention this week…

First of all, only weeks after the Hollywood writers settled their strike - now the TV and movie actors may call a strike. Come on guys the wait for the new season of 24 is unbearable as it is… Please spare us more pickets..!

Of course, if Tom Cruise goes on the picket line he’ll need a sign with an extra long handle. 

Just so his sign is the same height as all the other signs..!

Meanwhile in Darwin, Australia, a 39 year old man is being hailed as a hero after a crocodile seized his wife. Norm Moreen jumped on the croc’s back -- poked it in the eyes -- wrestled with it -- and pulled his wife free... What a hero - you da man Norm..!

Apparently his wife was so grateful -- she says he can take a week off from having to put the toilet seat down…

Enjoy the weekend

So Bertie has decided to call it a day… Thanks to all who contributed to the K Drive poll to final a fitting song to coincide with his departure..!

Personally I wish him well in the future, be it in Ireland or possibly in Europe. I believe history will be kind on the man who presided over the country during the good days of the Celtic Tiger. He’ll be best remembered of course for his roll in the Good Friday Agreement, which has had an enormous impact on the wellbeing of the entire island. Of course, as we know, he’s made mistakes in the past, however I hope the Tribunal findings aren’t too negative on Bertie who I sincerely believe is an honest and decent man...

I know many people disagree and say good riddance to him - as the results of our poll suggest.

Here's the Top 10…

1. Frank Sinatra – My Way

2. Simply Red - Money’s to tight to mention

3. Johnny Paycheck - Take this job and shove it

4. Dire Straits – Money for Nothing

5. Juliet Turner – Take the Money and Run

6. Celine Dion - It’s all coming back to me now

7. Elton John - Sorry seems to be the hardest word

8. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

9. From Sound of Music - So long farewell

10. Chicago - Hard to say I'm sorry